not sure where to post this- afraid to love them anymore

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Petunia

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Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2009
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6,126
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I think I've made a big mistake, always getting new rats when older ones have passed away.
I rationalized it as helping other rats who need a home, plus making sure my remaining rats have plenty of company
but I think now, it may have partly been a desperate attempt to not feel the loss of each passing rat....

of course you can't- and I would never want to!- replace any individual rat, they are all so unique

but I think I rushed into getting new ones too soon, and now, I have five older rats, one coming up on 2yrs, and four all around 18 mos or so, and just one young'un-
so I am facing losing a bunch all around the same time, probably.....

and now, it's getting harder and harder to spend time with them, because instead of being happy to be with them,
suddenly all I can think is, if I love you too much, this is gonna hurt so bad when you leave

I feel myself withdrawing and trying to distance myself from them

this is not good of course and I feel terrible about it

did this happen to anyone else?
I feel like maybe I didn't take the time to grieve the last ones that went on ahead and now it's all catching up to me

I have decided to take a break from rats after this colony has all passed on.
For financial reasons as well as because of the heartbreak of losing them so soon

it just feels very overwhelming to me right now

I feel like I just want to protect my heart from breaking again

does anyone else go thru this?
 
:hugs: Gosh hun, I believe everyone does. I'm feeling a little burned out at the moment myself. Just lost a sweet diabetic hamster the other day,and the majority of my rat crew are passing the two-year mark. Like you, the moment I had a "vacancy" I'd have it filled within a week, and I pretty much rationalized it the same way.

Its harder, I think, when you have small critters that have a short life span - its easy to fall into the mentality that there is room for one more, and darn it, they are with us for just a short while. The way I deal with it is that just I don't. Not healthy really since I get complete emotional breakdowns a couple times a year. Since 2008, I've loved and lost 22 rats and hamsters - there was a time I was losing a furkid each month. And the sucky thing is, it never gets any easier.

You have to do what's best for yourself. If you need more time to heal, take it. You've already given so much love and happiness to your ratties, and no one would think any less of you. And sometimes taking a break helps folks re-find joy, and they'll start again refreshed.
 
I'm sure we've all been there. There are lows and highs and right now, you are in a low. But then, one day, when you least expect it, it will click again and your heart will open wide.
 
We have lost a bunch this year. 14 since December. It never gets easy. I miss them every time I open the cage. I look for the one who would hide and I remember we lost them. I dont grieve very long. I miss them for longer. I cry for a few days then I look around at the ones i have left and I dont have time to be sad. You have to roll with the punches so to speak. You love them as they age, you mourn then when they leave. You are there for the ones who are left behind with you. We just lost Sendai saturday. I got two new girls today. I never feel like i am replacing the ones we lost but letting others into our little rattie house. I tell my vet i am nuts every time i try to save them. I say I just love them to pieces. He says "well someone has to" and we are those someones because not a lot of people will open their hearts to their tales. I keep the younger ones around so there is always life in the rat room. I love my oldies but they are tired and just want to sleep. I love to see the young ones play.

It is hard to lose them believe me I know we have cried so much this year and I have more to lose but when you see them popcorn or they come up for kisses can you really second guess it? I cant.

I have open my tears up for a lot of rats. I knew this when each one walked into the door. It is worth it even it is for a little while or two years. You cant find better little critters to brighten your day.
 
Some people are just different, I'm like hopefloats on this subject..although I have not lost my heart rat yet and hopefully never will :)
And these are my first rats, so I have not lost a lo..so we never know.

But just do what you feel like doing, were all here for you !(hugs)
 
I go through this every time I am ratless. To avoid issues of cross infection of myco (had bad experiences with that), I will keep the same group until they all pass, then wait, find another group of rescues to take in and then keep those for as long as they live.

And every single time, I start to think "no more, I can't take this anymore ... it hurts too much". And it does, it really does. Especially the ones that are taken too young by cancer or some other illness. The feeling of being powerless in the face of crappy genetics and sometimes the hopelessness when several rescues (often related) fall to the same illness because they all have the crappy genes is very discouraging. I will usually bawl my eyes out for a day (I can't count how many "sick days" were actually "rat loss days" ... thank god for government benefits), then feel crappy for about a week and then I'll feel better though some things remind me of them and sometimes I'll get sad again.

But there's another happier side to this all. I try to take things into perspective. With most rats, they will live two and a half years or more, then eventually get sick, be ill for a while and eventually pass away. The days that they are ill and the vet visits and the day you have to bring them in to be pts are obviously very difficult and painful. But what of all the other days? 2 years of fun happy times vs maybe a week or up to a month of pain. I cannot help but see it as a tremendously good deal for us. And for me, the fact that these are rescues, giving them a better life also adds to the positive. I also try to see it from the rat's point of view.

I also have my cat ... not that it makes up for the losses but at least it's one pet that stays with me through the losses. That helps I think.

I don't want you to think that what you are feeling is not right, in fact it is the opposite; it is entirely normal and I think we all go through something similar in one way or another. The repeated losses is not for everybody. I think over time though we learn to take a more serene approach to it. Doesn't hurt any less and no rat can be replaced ... but maybe it's not as emotionally devastating.
 

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